I’m in a hetero relationship with a woman but I’m also attracted to her best friend. We are all old friends. How do I persuade them both to have a threesome with me?
You know what, reader? It’s your lucky day.
Typically I pass over questions like these without a second glance. The real tragedy is in the frequency with which this genre of question gets submitted. To me. By men who obviously have no familiarity with my body of work.
But today, reader - oh TODAY - you caught me on one of those “buy dishes at the Goodwill just so you can go home and smash them in the street” kinda Wednesdays. The kind where I’m sustaining myself on marijuana and peanut M&Ms and stockpiled photos of my dogs cuddling. The kind where I just spent thirty minutes trying to teach myself how to whistle because I had a fleeting certainty that the only way I’d make it through this night was if I acquired a new skill.
As such, let me do my best to concisely answer your question on how you persuade these two goddesses in your life to have a threesome with you:
YOU. MOTHERFUCKING. DON’T.
Personally, I have to admire you for throwing the “we are all old friends” qualifier in there, as if expecting me to pin a goddamn gold star on your chest for waiting so very patiently for these women to fuck you. That particular breed of douche levels you up from “average moron” to “entitled Reddit troll” status.
You know what the world calls “persuading a woman to have sex”, reader? RAPE.
This is why it’s so difficult for women to sustain friendships with heterosexual men. Because we spend all of this irreversible time and emotional energy vetting you to determine your authenticity, your trustworthiness, all the while hoping to high heaven that you won’t be like EVERY OTHER MAN. Hoping that when you laugh at our jokes, or compliment our competency, or offer a shoulder to lean on, it’s not because you’re imagining us with your dick in our mouth. Hoping that when you finally come on to us - as we know you inevitably will - that when we decline your advances, that you won’t cry “friend zone”. Or harass us. Or kill us.
But you know, reader, maybe I’m being just a tad too harsh. It’s not ENTIRELY your fault. Throughout mainstream film and television history it’s not been at all unusual to consume the stereotypical rom com “woman suddenly falls for her male best friend that she’s known forever but only recently realized he was her soulmate” plotline. At the risk of shattering your entire perception of the world and your role in it, I’m here to tell you that this is the rarest of phenomenons. Truly. It hardly ever happens.
How to have a threesome with friends? More at http://www.threesomewebsites.co.uk
So why are cultural scripts like that so pervasive in our society? Because the vast majority of mainstream film and television is written, directed, and produced by heterosexual men. And guess who their target demographic is? Heterosexual men. Think of it as porn, but for your heart. The “devoted best buddy who sticks it out long enough to land the girl” archetype is one that most men find irresistibly appealing, and then are somehow unable to separate that entertainment from the reality of the world. Why? You seem to have no trouble understanding the fact that Keanu Reaves is not ACTUALLY John Wick, or that there isn't actually an entire underground population of Marvel mutants inhabiting the planet. The end result is men feeling entitled to that internalized version of “happily ever after” - entitled to WOMEN - and that entitlement is not only obnoxious and toxic, but highly contagious.
Fuck, I’m tired. This is really good weed. I’ll wrap it up now.
Be better, reader. Be SO much better. No, I’m not going to tell you “how”. The Internet is at your fingertips, and I charge hourly for that. Pray that you turn yourself around and start making reparations for your asshattery before your girlfriend - AND her friend - realize what a tool you are. Although I’m sure I don’t have to tell you that I’m rooting for the femmes. Forever and always.
Ps. Men are trash.
Pps. To my loyal, feminist fan base, I promise I’ll get a “real” column up here just as soon as I stop crawling out of my skin.
The original content:
https://www.iampoly.net/blog/2017/10/26/t94hbnfpezdthqzfz2dblvoohjcsov
12 Things I Wish I Knew Before Having a Threesome
If you've ever been curious about having a threesome but also a little intimidated, that's normal — there's a lot to consider. Do you want to be the unicorn of the threesome, or find a unicorn with your partner? Should you do it with friends or strangers? Will it be awkward? As a very nervous twenty something woman who had a sober threesome with a female friend and a guy we liked, and lived to tell the tale, here are the biggest takeaways I learned from the experience.
1. It's less awkward than you think. As someone who thinks regs one-on-one sex is already ripe with awkward silences, I was not optimistic about group sex. However! My fears were quickly quieted when I realized that half the fun of being in a threesome is watching. You don't need to spend every second doing something crazy. It's totally fine to go with the flow and watch a bit before jumping in when you feel comfortable.
2. It's not going to ruin your friendship unless you let it. If you have a threeway with another single friend, don't spend too much time worrying about whether or not this will make things awkward for the both of you in the future. Just because you hooked up once doesn't mean you have to again! Just make sure you check in with your friend before and afterward, and are clear about what you're both expecting from it.
3. It's not "slutty," period. And can we retire that word while we're at it? I know threesomes are interesting in part because of their novelty but don't let that scare you away from doing it if you're truly curious about it. You do you, girl!
4. The pillow talk afterward is actually fun. Have you ever lay in bed after a hookup talking to a guy and thought about how [insert friend's name here] would have so much to add to the conversation? Good news! Now she can.
5. Communication is really important. Multiple times throughout the night, my friend asked me if I was into the direction that things were moving in, checking in with me, etc. It was really important for our enjoyment of the night because neither of us felt like boundaries were being crossed or we were being pushed to do anything we weren't 100 percent about. Plus, when I think back to that night (which, let's be real: is half the fun) I can feel good about knowing that everyone had a safe and comfortable time.
6. You don't have to worry about being left out. But what if he likes making out with her more than me?! Sure, there could be moments where it's a bit unbalanced, but trust, no guy is going to just ignore the chance to go back and forth with two women at the same time. It'll even out.
7. You'll probably laugh a few times. Just the physics of three bodies trying to bone is bound to create some laughs. Go with it! Not everything has to be a sexy montage from Fifty Shades.
8. If you're not comfortable with certain sex acts, that's totally fine. No one enters a threesome assuming everything is on the table (and if they do, consider finding new partners). You can do whatever you're comfortable with, and if that means you draw a hard line at licking someone's asshole while getting your toes sucked, that's totally fine!
9. It's probably going to feel a little performative. Yeah, I said it. But if that's something you know going into it and are all right leaning into, there's nothing wrong with that! It can be hot to put on a show for someone or to watch two other people going at it.
10. Having a threeway with a good friend can actually be better than if you just did it with strangers. I feel extremely lucky in that I had my first threesome experience with a friend who I know had my best interests at heart and was able to talk about everything afterward with. Plus, you can split cab fare home later together.
11. Don't be shy about being the first one to bring it up. TV and movies jam the "boyfriend wants a threesome to spice things up, frigid girlfriend shuts it down fast" trope down our throats a lot, so you don't often hear of women initiating the threesome, but I'm here to tell you, there's nothing wrong with doing so! I initiated my threesome and I'm proud of myself for doing so. Lean in!
12. If you have a threesome once, you're not obligated to keep having them. It's fine to try it out and realize it might not be for you after all. I thought my first threesome would be like a second virginity, but I'd prefer to think of it like the weird couple's vibrator I bought, tried once, and then never used again. Trying it once doesn't mean you're contractually obligated to pencil in a ménage à trois every few months from now on. It might work great for some people and some situations, but it's NBD if you don't want to give it a go again for a while.
https://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/a9978696/what-to-know-before-threesome/
